Fresh Beginning

2010-03-26T19:30:00.001+08:00

Although I bitch a lot about Jaume Torres and biophysics, I think I am happy with where I am now. =)

2010-01-24T14:05:00.000+08:00

The tedious lessons weren't the only reason why I don't like school.

2009-10-29T23:26:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I don't know what exactly you want from me.

2009-10-21T22:35:00.001+08:00

This is why I love my HW102 group.

2009-10-15T22:07:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt so unhappy when you know you have no reason to be?

2009-10-09T17:37:00.002+08:00

Sodagreen songs are making me feel melancholic. Like there's a certain undecipherable emotion weighing my heart down.

It makes me wonder if I'm going to stay alone forever.

I need a heart-to-heart talk with SPQ soon.

2009-09-03T19:09:00.002+08:00

For reasons I can't grasp, I feel like screaming all the curses in the world, including those extremely rated ones. Annoying puffs of frustration are building in me and I just thought I might transform into a screaming bitch any time soon.

It may seem a little too late to display my teenage angst when I'm already nearing the big 2o. But that's what Uni is making me.

I'm currently fooling myself so that I can stay happily in my own state of denial and ignore the monstrous pile of damn assignments building up behind my back. I'm still trying to force myself into the unwelcoming mood of studying, but every now and then, I find myself turning over my shoulders to check the clock that hung at the back of the classrooms, wondering why the second-hand is ticking so slowly.

There are so many issues to catch up on after being on MC for four days in the past week. My stellar record of not being on MC for the 3 years of my entire poly life has been smashed, just like that.

I have projects to be done and members to get along with. Is it just me or do college students seem so much more selfish? I forsee a lot of conflicts looming ahead, conflicts which I'm not sure if I have the patience or power to resolve. I'm meeting the members for this particular group tomorrow, and I'm not sure how it'll turn out. I hope they are listeners at the very least.

The professors at NTU are too easy to be true. I can't accept how they just skim through the stuff which Jason took an entire hour to explain in the past. The exam papers some professors are setting are ridiculous as well. 50 MCQs? I hardly think that's a good assessment scheme.

And oh how I hate the labs, like seriously. I didn't pay $6000/year to snatch for reagents. I'm terribly missing the labs in TP.

On a brighter note, I have people to hang out with during the long hours of break. But then again, it just reminds me how easy it is to dislike someone. I'm changing, no longer the person I'm used to be. The thing is, I'm not sure if it's good or not.

I would love to continue ranting about the bads of college but the dumbass Microbiology tutorial is screeching for my attention. And by dumbass I mean it's difficult.

Okay till next time.

*floats away*

2009-08-14T22:53:00.003+08:00

There goes my first week of college.

It was fine, though I still have to get used to a whole lot of things, like the coursemates, the professors and the environment. Going straight to Year 2 is in itself a challenge, especially since everyone around you seem to know each other. Kind of makes me feel like a lone islander.

Things are going to go crazy from next week onwards. I can already forsee it. No more intensive FO marathon I guess. Have to study soon. Everyone in Uni seems brilliant.

It's quite different in Poly, where the lecturers are so approachable.

I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. Let me update again another day.

2009-07-22T22:09:00.001+08:00

I watched 'Family Outing' this morning and I laughed so hard that my stomach ached.

Ah~ I love Korean variety shows~

2009-07-21T23:50:00.001+08:00

Have been so lazy in the past month to update. *sighs*

I’m gaining weight. I’m gaining weight. I’m gaining weight.

I know this is not new but how can I not gain weight after all the gatherings last week? Food is dominating my mind for the past few days and there’s nothing I could do to drive them out of my mind. A gourmet brochure on Bugis Junction came along with the I-Weekly this week and I had the sudden impulse to just head down there, specifically for the food. You know there’s something wrong when you just stared at the photos of the food for minutes, wondering how your taste buds would respond to them when those delicacies are delivered into your mouth.

I even set a quota like, ‘Okay, I’ll spend a maximum of twenty bucks on all the food I want. Shop smartly. Eat Smartly.’

Can you even understand the agony of salivating at the food before you but there’s no way you can eat them because they’re simply paper?

I’m desperate. I’m penniless. And I’m hungry right now.

WONDERFUL COMBINATION.

Okay, enough about the food. I’m not going to pine after the things that are miles away (mind you, they are in bugis).

My head is feeling considerably and literally lighter after I have snipped off a huge chunk of my revolting hair and straightened the remaining of it. I’ve got really dark hair, I realised, when my granny actually thought that I had dyed my hair black. I’m shining with pride *supernova rays spilling from my back*. I think it’s a little too short but then again, it’s only 80 dollars so I’m not complaining.

Next.

It’s the countdown to my college days and with everyday, my anxiety just grows. I kept thinking what if I don’t meet nice people there, what if I don’t meet up to expectation. These negative thoughts are getting cataclysmic. In the end, I just planned out the things I would do to while my Uni days away if I end up being a loner.

And believe it or not, it made me feel much much better. Always the unsociable and awkward Caroline.

But anyway, I think I will be so tired from all the travelling that I can’t be bothered with such trivial issues.

Third.

Driving lessons aren’t that bad if I remember to send a prayer up before they start, even though up till now I still can’t brake smoothly.

Fourth.

My Japanese lessons started again and there are no familiar faces in my class. T_T I dislike those smart alecks, like truly madly deeply do. And there are not one, not two, but three this time round. *slaps forehead*

Fifth.

I was actually in the valleys of my confidence after I received a message three days ago. You know how you could still feel like shit when there are dozens of compliments and only one criticism? I lingered on the one for too long and now that I come to think of it, it’s not even a criticism. It’s more like I was been given up on. But well, that’s her choice. And I’ve got enough backbone to not plead for her to give me another chance.

No hard feelings, really.

I think that’s pretty much all for now.

I’m looking forward to my breakfast tomorrow! I’m also looking forward to going to my Ah Quek’s store for noodles on Friday!

Ah nooo~~ Food again!

2009-06-20T22:33:00.000+08:00

Father’s Day is tomorrow and we went to visit Dad at All Saints just now in the morning. We reached after an hour of the car ride (the time could have been halved if my mum knows her way better and if her engine didn’t stall when she’s parking) and added some more stuff to Dad’s landed property. I wish I could put up the picture of my Dad’s cosy final resting place but I just lost my USB port. Bleh.

After that we drove to IKEA for food. I’m getting the nasty feeling that my stomach is indeed a bottomless pit. I could just keep on eating and eating. Lunch was followed by a subsequent trip to Giant. So that’s how my Saturday went.

Anyway, this week is pretty much action-packed with all the swimming, driving and such. I’m thankful that I’m still alive after the near-crash experience on Tuesday’s driving lesson. I hope the driving gets easier with every lesson. I’m taking my FTT coming Friday and I’m not yet fully prepared. Gosh. What am I doing with all my time?

On Thursday was a steamboat buffet dinner with 16 family members. It was so awesome. We acted like ugly Singaporeans when we practically ripped the rolls of shaved pork and beef off the tray. It was fun though. We got home on a ‘Ferrari’ and the experience was awesome. We got off at our destination with positively wind-swept hair. Hoping that we have this kind of family gathering more often.

University days are looming with every passing day. *sigh* I’m getting apprehensive. I wonder how it’ll be like there. Some true friends perhaps?

And to 张爱丽! I know you’re reading this. Let’s go out again soon okay? Food, food, food~

I’m missing my friends. Where the heck did Melissa disappear to? Should meet with Yiting and Peiquan too... Thank God for them in my life. Sometimes I really wish they understand how much they meant to me. They make me realise how important it is to have truthful friends.

All right. Somehow I’m hurting on the inside. I’m feeling betrayed. Hur...T_T
.

.
Nasty words are always the deadliest weapons.

2009-06-15T16:13:00.002+08:00

I thought I could put everything behind me and start getting along with you. But then you have to come along and destroy my budding trust. Why?

So now tell me, how do I continue getting along with you?

This is the feeling of being sandwiched. And you're making my confused about my own personality.

2009-06-01T22:54:00.002+08:00

I'm at the phase where I want nothing more than to write and read my days away.
I think I'm enjoying living in seclusion waaaayyy too much to be considered healthy.

I'm going swimming tomorrow and on Thursday. Alone tomorrow. With Derrick Loo on Thursday.
Actually I like swimming. Because under that clear sheet of blue (and chlorine), I can hear nothing. Not even my own breathing.

Mum's birthday falls on tomorrow and I wonder if she's so stressed that she's beginning to take it out on her kids.
That's the problem of turning 48. I wonder how I'll be like when I'm her age.

I'm finally commencing on my driving lessons next thursday. I like the sound of Mr Kho over the phone but I'm still jittery with fret. I have a below average motor coordination skills. Just don't let me crash.

I finished My Sister's Keeper. The ending is quite sad. But it's not my favorite book of hers.
I still like her 'Nineteen Minutes'. It kept me thinking, thinking and thinking. Even after two months.

2009-05-27T23:08:00.002+08:00

Me: Ma, 驾车的时候, 转左就是左, 转右就是右 hor?

Mum: 你神经病ar?! 当然转左就是左lah! 不然你要转左就是右meh?!

See my mother’s dwindling patience with me.

(-_-“)

2009-05-20T19:32:00.002+08:00

Oh my GAWD~

It’s been MORE than a month since my departure from the blogosphere. Actually, then again, it’s not so much of a surprise for me or what because I’ve been stalling time, trying to see how long I could go without updating my webpage.

Ah well. Let’s see what has become of me in this one month. (Don’t get too excited people, my life is not as exciting as a drama, it’s dull, dull and DULLER.)

Swimming
This has to be the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done so far. Forget about my abysmal stamina, forget about my imperfect breaststrokes and forget how I nearly fell back into the pool when I’m trying to get out of it. Forget all these and there, you’ve got it, I WENT SWIMMING. For the first time in SEVEN years.

Is that a feat or what? SWIMMING, you know. CAROLINE -> SWIMMING.

What? When’s my next swimming session?

Let’s see. My schedule is kind of packed right now and…

Books
All right, Caroline reading shouldn’t be as jaw-dropping as Caroline swimming. I’ve gotten a lot of books when TIMES in Tampines 1 was having a store-wide discount of *gasps* 22%! And me, being the typical Singaporean, swept and paid for four books.

But the thing is, I haven’t touch on any of them yet. Mario Puzo’s Godfather (as in the book, not the human) is taking far too much of my time and I’ve just finished it yesterday. Like finally.

So now I’m going to start on Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. And the books next on my list are:

-Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult
-Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult
-A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

I am not a Picoult fan. I am not a Picoult fan. I am not a Picoult fan.

Weird Dreams
My sleep is plagued by dreams of all genres. But the thing is, none of them makes much sense.

First, I dreamt that my mum got diagnosed with colon cancer. And you know how she disclosed it to us in the dream? She told us when we were on the rollercoaster in some place I’m damn sure I’ve never been to. It’s a nightmare, albeit a funny one.

And just yesterday, I dreamt about the graduation ceremony. Ever since I was told that I would be given prize money during the ceremony, I have been thinking about it and yesterday I finally dreamt about it. In the dream, the amount of money given to me wasn’t $1000. It was a whopping $105,050. I could only remember counting all the zeros during the entire ceremony. But in the end, all was a dream.

I’m just too cash-deprived.

BOF and Beethoven’s Virus
I’m slow. I’m still catching BOF after half of the homosapiens population has already finished the entire series. Let’s see, I’m only up to episode 6, because only the first part of the DVD is out. I reckon it’s the publisher’s gimmick to earn more money.

Okay, the Korean version is very grand, very grand indeed. And I still can’t over the fact that the XIMEN (So Yijeong in this case) in this version is so much much much much cuter than the portrayal by Ken Zhu *shudders*. Congratulations to the production team for the Korean Version. And no thanks to the Taiwan production team for successfully destroying the character of Ximen.

On to the Beethoven’s Virus.

This is a very classical show – classical in the music sense. It’s not bad actually and I kinda like the badass conductor. I like the way he go about scolding people. It’s a good show for reference if you want to learn how to scold people such that they can’t retaliate.

I haven’t manage to finish the series because *ahem* I’m a busy person. I will try to finish the remaining 8 episodes in another week or so. I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

Joseph
I just have to mention him. He’s fatter than ever now. His belly is all fat and pink. And he’s still a glutton.

I’ll let my description stay that way cos I don’t want to destroy his masculine image by going into further detail.

NTU
Yes, I’ve accepted NTU’s offer. I’m a little apprehensive about going into a new school environment. So in my remaining days before I get carted off to NTU, I’m going to spend as much time slacking as possible. That’s the current creed of my life.

Japanese Lessons
I graduated from my Elementary 1 class and I’m moving onto Elementary 2! But the thing is, Elementary 2 classes will only start on 19th July. So I’m pretty much a free person until then.

Don’t talk to me about driving lessons. I haven’t started it. And the thing is, I don’t intend to. But then there’s Mum so I guess at the end of the day I still have to 硬着头皮 and go ahead with the lessons. Haiz.

----

All right. That’s about it. I still have a lot more to say but my fingers are screaming for me to stop. They are tired from all the typing.

See you guys next time. I hope soon.

人生真的是一场永无止境的战斗！

2009-04-15T19:06:00.000+08:00

I’m still kind of deciding between NUS Life Sciences and NTU Biological Sciences. NUS is more renowned in that field but the latter is giving me direct entry into 2nd year. Most probably I’ll go for the latter, even though it’s so damn far away. I should be happy that both offered me a place without the need for an interview. But then every now and then, people would ask why I forsake a place in NUS and go for NTU? That’s irritating.

Lately, Mum has been bugging me about my NTU scholarship application. I do not want it and I’m 100% sure I won’t get it, considering the fact that I’ve screwed up my interview. And today, a nice surprise came in my mailbox. I’ve done proud. Lol.

Anyway, I’m still at home but I’m not slacking! I have been doing lots of reading and revision for my Japanese, which, by the way, is a difficult language. So yeah, I’m still enjoying life. I reckon that I should start exercising (I’ve reckon this since months ago~), so yeah, it’s time to be more disciplined.

All right, that’s about it. My life is nearly the same every day. *YAWNS*

2009-04-08T19:50:00.001+08:00

I went for the most intimidating interview ever for the whole of my life.

Seven interviewers and one interviewee, which was me. Not to mention that I had to climb that damn hill to get to the damn location.

CSAS4’s interview couldn’t compare. IBN’s interview doesn’t even come close.

I could hear my voice trembling as I spoke my first few sentences and I thought ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ I think it’s the after-effect of the nice workout. I didn’t know what I was talking about half the time.

Oh well, I hope they realised how bad I was so they won’t call me up for a second interview. Once is enough for an experience.

Ciao.

2009-04-02T23:25:00.000+08:00

I was living my life happily until a bomb was dropped on me. DANG!

Now, I’m torn trying to make the correct decision which I won’t regret in the future.

Forwards or backwards?

Actually, I think I should stay at where I am.

Because, I don’t think I deserve anything God wants to give me.

Sigh… I need someone who understands.

2009-03-16T23:40:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I think I really miss my Dad a lot, even when I kept myself going forward. I would lie in bed in the morning, perfectly awake, waiting for him to call me for breakfast just to realise that he’s no longer there. I would emerge from my bedroom, momentarily stunned to see an empty sofa and then remind myself that he has moved on to a better place. I would recall the comments he had made when an artiste he disliked appears on TV, and then realise that I miss his silly antics.

I thought about the things I could have done to be a better daughter and my hesitation to do them. I always thought that there were still time. I never took his complaints about his pain seriously because I was too caught up with my own self to be able to put myself in his shoes. I thought about the things I could have given him if he was just around a little longer and see me step into the society after my graduation. He didn’t wait long enough for that to happen.

Months and months ago, I naively thought that my Diploma graduation ceremony would be attended by both of my parents. Obviously I thought wrong.

Whenever people mention their father, I get envious for I never know when the word ‘Papa’ will roll off my tongue again.

I have never cried since his funeral. But that doesn’t make it easier for me. Deep into the nights, when all else is silent, I let my thoughts run wild. That’s when I need to constantly remind myself to remember to breathe, to ease the knots in my heart that made breathing a task.

After so much, I have began to fear.

有时真的觉得自己失去了很多人，所以开始害怕。
害怕自己下一分钟又会失去谁。
害怕到最后会不会只剩下自己在孤独着。

I’m still learning to cherish the people around me and I don’t think I’m doing a very good job.

But at least, let me try.

2009-03-12T14:59:00.001+08:00

We are back from Genting and Joseph is back from Steven’s. I miss the dog so much and right now, Mum and Sis are cooing over how ‘manly’ he’s looking because of all the weight he has lost.

Results were released yesterday and I got more than what I’m expecting. I’m happy. Dad, I’ve done you proud. =)

Okay that’s all for now. I’m going back to surf my net. I miss the INTERNET more than anything else while at Genting.

2009-03-03T19:34:00.002+08:00

I stretched my maximum spending capacity today.

Spent $267.50 to sign up for the Japanese Language course. But it's okay cos' Mum is going to re-imburse me for this.

Spent $111.86 at Kinokuniya for two books. >.<

Yes, I'm out of my mind today.

I don't dare to go near Joseph these days because he hasn't bathe for like TEN days.

Okay that's out-of-point.

But whatever.

2009-02-25T11:29:00.001+08:00

I had a weird dream yesterday. I dreamt that TP consists of 90 over levels instead of the usual 8. There were high-tech lifts installed to bring you to your desired level. And whenever you want to go to a level, you need to key in your student number and the level you want to go. Sure, the lifts were high-tech but at the same time, they were creepy. The lifts were dimly lit with an orangey light and seem like halfway under construction. On top of being creepy, the lifts were claustrophobic.

And so in that particular dream, me, Aili and Ivan (I don’t know what the hell he’s doing in my dream) were supposed to go for class at level 20-something. And being the dorks we were in the dream, we couldn’t figure out how to operate the lift. But the lift continued moving and the door never opened. We were tired of standing and so we sat down to chat, clearly forgetting our class. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Patricia Mok (the big-mouthed artiste) just appeared with Thai-salad in her hands. And just as suddenly, I had a dish in my hands (it was one of the dishes Dawn Yeo prepared yesterday in the Channel 8 variety show. The one with a ball of tofu on top of asparagus). In the end I ended up mixing my dish with the Thai-salad Pat Mok had.

Before we could figure out how to escape the lift, I woke up.

My dreams don’t make any sense. It’s always weird.

2009-02-17T16:59:00.001+08:00

已经习惯属于自己一个人的平静。
请你不要再扰乱我的步伐。
谢谢。

2009-02-09T12:54:00.001+08:00

I’m becoming a 宅宅宅宅女. Okay I already am one. There’s nothing bad about being a 宅女 because there’s nothing like the comfort of home. Being at home means that I don’t have to worry about being put under the scrutiny of people.

These days I have been watching Japanese dramas like Code Blue, Kurosagi and Tantei Galileo. I have also been reading ‘Veronika Decides to Die’ by Paulo Coelho. I surprised by the after-effects of watching the shows and reading the book. How can dramas and books touch so close to home? How can they show ideas which I have harbored but never dare to let them surface for fear of being ostracized by others? If you choose a good show or a good book, you’ll know more about yourself at the very end. I want more books and more Jap Shows. =)

On to another topic.

I used to think that I’m a disaster when it comes to the kitchen. But I have proved myself wrong and outdone myself. I can actually produce edible food! And not just edible, but more than just the average kind of taste. I starting to like cooking but how? I need to go on a diet soon. Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma.

I need to stop here. Presentation’s up tomorrow. After tomorrow, I will continue to 宅 at home. Ciao.

2009-01-31T21:52:00.001+08:00

Random random random:

- I just realised that I’m 9 days away from liberation; liberation from poly life. My story at Temasek Poly is coming to an end. And this scares me. I felt momentary contentment when I finally finished my report but the happiness was quickly overwhelmed by a weird sense of emptiness. It’s like this is my last report for my poly life and there, I’m done. So what’s next?

- University application is opening tomorrow. I was researching on the course at NTU when I found that you can’t take one without giving up another. No ABP if you want URECA. That saddens me. And I get jittery when the thought of making new friends invades. I hate making new friends. Boo. I wish I can bring my old friends along with me.

- I don’t miss IBN as much as I thought I would. I miss my mentor though, even when he sent me my results only on Thursday. He says that my report is good but I wonder if I should take his comments like a pinch of salt. I hope the report is good too. I’m desperate to get an A. Hey, I’m not overachieving. At least I’m not aiming for the distinction. Or maybe I should. Lol.

- It’s getting increasingly harder to converse with the course mates. I felt that way on Friday. The display of fake affections and friendliness disgusts me. Some people are no longer the same. That disappoints me. That’s one part which I will willingly leave behind when the time to leave comes.

- I’m loving the life of seclusion. I know I’m young for that.

- I love JOSEPH more and more each day.

- I’m getting fatter and fatter. Seriously, my weight depresses me now. It’s time to grab the running shoes and start EXERCISING.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and ponder when will love come my way. Maybe never. Cos’ I can’t picture myself falling in love again.

2009-01-30T00:47:00.000+08:00

Call me super. I just did two versions of results section for my MP.

2009-01-25T14:21:00.001+08:00

All right, SIP officially ended on Friday. I was feeling very reluctant about leaving because there are simply so many things I have to leave behind. Yet at the same time I was feeling happy because finally, I don’t have to wake up early in the morning to travel all the way to Buona Vista.

I am so going to miss IBN in the weeks to come. It’s like a part of my life which I’m getting accustomed to is finally coming to an end. I bet I’m going to suffer from SIP withdrawal symptoms soon. I could still vividly remember how difficult it was to adapt to a new learning environment in the first few weeks and how I couldn’t wait for everything to end whenever I was on the way to the institute. But on Friday, I was feeling sad about leaving.

I reckoned I was lucky to have gone to IBN and spent 4½ months there. I was even more lucky to get into Dr. Wang Shu’s group cos’ there was never a boring moment in the lab with the many people. I was luckiest to get Jerome as my mentor even though there were numerous moments when we couldn’t understand what the other was saying. There were times where I felt like wringing his neck for his slow pace. Heck, up till now, he hasn’t even sent me the results which I urgently need. But then it’s okay, I won’t be pissed with him cos’ he’s a nice mentor.

My last day at IBN was good. My last lunch at Bakin’ Boyz was good too. The bad thing was the exit presentation yesterday morning. One of the research scientists screwed up the Q&A session for me. For the first time in many many years, I got stumped by questions in Q&A sessions. I just crapped it all, hoping that I pulled it off. He started shooting questions about nanomaterials when my project was on promoter engineering. Thilini and Chloe suffered during their Q&A sessions too so it’s not because I was unprepared.

Okay okay. My MP report is still hanging on the point of nowhere. I think I’m 50% done and I think you can’t find anyone who is less disciplined than I am. I have got all those editing work to do too. At least I have begun to start building my discussion bit by bit, hoping that in the end I’ll get a strong discussion section. And then again, there’s the incomplete results section so how far can I go in my discussion?

I’ve got no mood for CNY season because this is the first time I’m spending it without Dad. The only thing that’s good about it is that I can probably focus more on my report. It’s the final stretch till the end so I’m going to give it my all.

All right, I’m going to go back to my report. Have a Happy CNY people. =)

2009-01-16T10:50:00.001+08:00

I am so dead~

I have so many things to do and even more things which I can’t do. My exit presentation slides are due next Wednesday but the thing is, we are still in the middle of obtaining the results. Oh man, my nerves are gnawing at the pit of my stomach whenever I think of the report. I’m trying to stay upbeat and positive so I can do my lit review and material & methods with more ease.

And on a lighter note, my experiments have stopped (YAY!) because Jerome is doing the experiments for me (Weets!). At least he’s kind enough to give me time to do my report so I won’t complain about him now. Obviously, next week is my last week and he’s getting flustered too. I thought I was a relaxed person until I see my mentor.

There is this Young Researcher’s Nite tonight. Thilini and Chloe are selected to be the event coordinators. They reckoned that I was lucky to escape that fate. But I feel kind of left out. So maybe, I say maybe, I’m not going for that event even though it is supposed to be compulsory for all current YRP students.

This weekend will be packed cos’ there will be two major events. One, Maisharah’s sister’s wedding and two, the cleaning of my room. I’m dreading the latter. Boo.

Right I have to get back to my report now and man, IT’S WEEK 20 NEXT WEEK! I still can’t believe how fast time has zoomed by!

2009-01-11T10:39:00.001+08:00

SIP is nearing the end and 2 weeks are all that are left for me to gather all my results. Right, my project is still ongoing and I can do nothing much about the results and discussion section of my report. However, Jerome is confident that all things will end next week. So all I can do now is to trust him (he knows that I don’t take his words seriously). Report writing isn’t going too well because recently I get annoyed easily, at myself or others I don’t know.

I am more frightened about the prospect of graduating in less 2 months’ time. Uni school term starts only in late August and I have no idea what to do during the months in between graduation and commencement of uni studies. I doubt I can find a job in times of recession but maybe I’ll see if TP wants to hire me for that short period. I will be taking driving lessons soon too, after I pass my BTT on the 4th of Feb. And maybe I’m going for Japanese classes at Bunka. All these beats wasting my time in an empty house.

The family is moving on and so am I. Some things don’t seem to matter as much anymore and there are some people whom I stop bothering. Really, why should I care about people that don’t matter to me? People are being hypocrites but really I guess it’s in their genes. I hate people like those. I’m becoming more and more anti-social and I won’t deny it. Hypocrites, just stay off my path! *brandishes a sabre*

I miss my old friends right now even though I’ve never really told them how much I appreciated them. I will be meeting them soon, once everything comes to an end. Those friends are for life and I’m meaning to keep it that way. You never know how important some things are until you’ve lost them. I have great experience with these kind of things.

All right. I’m getting naggy again. Till then, cya.

2009-01-02T12:24:00.001+08:00

It's tough without Dad. ='(

2008-12-30T11:46:00.000+08:00

I’m currently at work and I’m feeling full and tired. I want to just doze off. I have been trying to go about writing my report but after I wrote and read it, I get pissed off with the lack of lustre and my finger just went pressing the ‘backspace’ button. I feel like doing nothing and just stare into space.

Oh crap. I don’t care. I’m going to be out of this place by 2pm. And maybe I’m not coming in tomorrow.

2008-12-23T22:46:00.000+08:00

The aftermath of the funeral wasn’t as gloomy as I’d imagined. Sure, there were tears but my heart wasn’t heavy because I know where Dad has gone too. He’s in a happier place now, a place where there is no room for sorrow or pain. I have never seen him so at peace ever since he contracted pancreatic cancer two years ago.

I know I have to be strong. My Mum and Sis still need me. Time heals all wounds and I know new memories will eventually make up for our loss. This isn’t the final goodbye. Someday, the whole family will come together again in heaven. I hope my mum and sis gets better soon because our lives have to carry on.

The presence of the Lord is so strong and I felt so at ease that I haven’t cried since Sunday. It’s the faith in God that He has brought my Dad to a better place. I won’t cry anymore. My Dad wouldn’t like it. He’s a Dad who’s always so proud of his daughters and I will continue to make him proud of me. I tried imagining him living in a white bungalow feet and feet above me and it works. He’s happy now, I believe.

These days would have been worse if not for the people around me.

Many thanks to:

- Aili, Gracecia, Khim, Melissa, Thilini and Chloe, for coming to the wake and distracting me from my thoughts.

- Yiting for dropping by for the past few days and coming to the funeral just now in the afternoon.

- Peiquan, Lee phin, Mai and Poonam for the condolences.

- Jerome, for being so understanding and for emptying his wallet for me. I’m touched for the extend he had gone to help me even when we only know each other for a mere 3 months.

- Aunts and cousins for helping in all the ways possible.

- Church of Singapore for strengthening my faith in the Lord.

The words weren’t enough to express my appreciation but I’m really thankful. People, thank you so much and don’t worry for me, I will be back to normal soon.

And Dad, even if I have never said this when you were around, I really love you.

2008-12-16T21:36:00.000+08:00

I need a good laugh and some real entertainment these days; so much so that I’m getting deprived and I laughed at a random conversation between Lam (Vietnamese) and Jerome (French). Neither of them knows what the other person was talking about and I end up being the ‘translator’. It’s so funny that I just laughed in front of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…………………………

It’s really funny. Haha.

2008-12-12T09:34:00.003+08:00

Someone whom I thought had forgotten my birthday when the truth was that her cell phone went dead on her. Someone who gives me a painstakingly decorated card on my birthday. Someone whom I get so engrossed in chatting with that I hardly remembered the taste my meatballs spaghetti. Someone whom I was in the same group as during Social Studies class way back in Primary 5. Someone whom I failed the Social Studies project with. After all, we were in the same group. Someone whom I have known for nine years. Someone who’s worried that she’s turning 20 next February.

That someone is Yiting.

=)

This birthday isn’t so bad afterall.

2008-12-09T20:38:00.000+08:00

FEELING MUCH BETTER TODAY!

Okay I still brood about certain stuff in the morning but most of the things are okay as of now. Furthermore I need to stay happy because I’m meeting Pei Quan tomorrow and just the thought of the meet-up makes me smile. Seriously I hope we can meet at least once every month. (^^,)

Thilini is sick today and she will be getting MC tomorrow. Hope she gets better soon. Lunch is boring when I have to eat in the pantry. Chloe is most of the time busy so that makes Thilini my lunch buddy and without her, my social meter is falling beyond zero.

There are 2 new students again and one of them is under Jerome. And guess what Jerome is suggesting? He suggests letting the new student help me with my project. I would gladly accept it if the student is from JC but the thing is, the new student isn’t. That student is from NUS. I mean fancy letting a university undergraduate be an assistant to a poly undergraduate? Isn’t that strange? Hahahaha… I didn’t say anything because something doesn’t feel right. Talk about hierarchy.

Okay that’s about it. The lab is getting really quiet nowadays and I’m getting more and more socially deprived as days go by…

2008-12-08T19:55:00.001+08:00

It’s my birthday today but I’m feeling crappy, upset even. It’s not that I’m unhappy on the fact that I’m now a year older; it’s the way events unfolded since last night. And now I’m disappointed with some people for all the right reasons. It’s just the wrong day to be my birthday. Gosh I feel like crying.

Not many people remember this birthday but I’m still grateful for the greetings received. Those who remembered are those who really matter. It’s silly yet I’m still waiting for that one greeting I know I’ll never receive. What am I expecting?

Okay it’s back to work tomorrow and Jerome will be back. I just hope that tomorrow will be much better than today.

And it’s official. I’m nineteen.

It’s not a good day, much less a good birthday.

2008-11-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

The days just pass in a blink of the eye at IBN. I haven’t been in the lab for two consecutive days but time still flies and I wonder why. I was bored at work today so I actually started doing crap. Crap like the SIP report due next year. Till now, my brain still can’t figure out the point of doing this particular piece of crap. Pardon me for using ‘crap’ too many times but the report is really crap.

I have been really studious these days because I have been updating the MP workbook like a good girl. It’s all up-to-date as of now and the thought of it makes me feel accomplished. I feel like I had done so many things during the first three days of the week that I can actually feel good about myself. I hope the DNA sequences were good enough so that I don’t have to repeat the cloning for that particular plasmid.

Anyway, there’s this guy in my lab whom I don’t really like. I don’t like him when I’m in a bad mood or when I’m feeling stingy. He’s not entirely new to the lab but then again, he’s not a member of the lab either. So what are the reasons for the hard feelings? Firstly, he wears my lab coat and as a result, I have to get a new one from level 5. Secondly, he uses my PCR-tubes labelled with MY NAME and doesn’t put them back. Thirdly, he didn’t replenish MY PCR-tubes after he used them and apparently, there weren’t enough left when I want to use it. Lastly, he asks Jerome too many questions that Jerome has not enough time to check my sequences for me. Are these reasons enough?

Okay, let’s stop talking about that guy.

The next thing is that Chrishan will be going back to his homeland from 4th December all the way to next year! Who’s going to advise me and answer my questions then? Who’s going to help me operate the autoclave? Gosh… It just looks like many people are on their year-end holiday and there aren’t many people left in the lab for me to ask questions.

And then there’s this super lame joke I have came up with when I was wandering in the lab and I have no one to share it with at work! I’m so desperate now. I bet no one will understand my joke at IBN.

Okay, I going off. I’m msn-ing with SPQ about birthday presents! Weets!

2008-11-25T16:05:00.002+08:00

SIGH~~~~ (x100)

HAIZ~~~~(x1000)

It's week 12 already and there are only 8 weeks left. I seriously need the cloning to work.

I need to stay cool.

Stay cool.

Stay cool.

BOOM.

Explode liao lar!

2008-11-23T19:12:00.000+08:00

I’ve got lots of things to talk about and so, where should I start? Let’s start from last Thursday since rather memorable things happened on that day.

Last Thursday was IBN’s Open House for research scientists from other research institutes. The organisers had mobilised a lot of students (including the unwilling me) to help out in this particular event. I was supposed to be a lab guide. And so we were at Matrix building waiting for the scientists to come. By the time it reaches 2.00pm which the event was supposed to commence, there were only 6 people in the entire auditorium. In the end, there were more lab guides than participants so we were allowed to go off. I don’t know why but I can’t help but feel funny. I was trying not to laugh when I was back in the lab, thinking back on this particular event. Melissa calls it the “报复心理”. To the organisers, I’m sorry I think that a poor turnout rate is funny but it really is. Hahahaha… Quoting from my mentor, “this shows that IBN isn’t too popular with the fellow research institutes”.

Then on the same day, I’ve got a nice workout thanks to a false fire alarm. The alarm just went off when only Madhu and I were in the lab room and we were quite slow to realize that the alarm had been triggered. So everyone have to run and take the STAIRS all the way down to level one. I was at Level 7 but man, the stairs are NEVERENDING. Some people in my lab were changing medium for their cells when it happened. Imagine their panic when they have to rush down. And so after it was being verified that it was just a false alarm, we were allowed to go back and Thilini and I took the stairs. When I reached level 4, I realized that I couldn’t go on any further so I went to Lvl 4 pantry with Thilini for a break before I eventually took the lift back to 7. So yeah, this was the workout of the week.

And then on Friday, there was another Open House, this time catering to the students. Much to my dismay, lots of people turned up this time round and hence, I have to play the lab guide. The entire event hindered my experiment so I stayed till 6.30pm when I can go off at 5.30pm. But the happy thing is that those people in my group don’t ask many questions so the entire affair ended at 4 plus instead of 5.30pm. I hope there isn’t such thing in the future again.

The good thing on Friday is that my mum, sis and me went to Din Tai Fung and Swensons for dinner and desserts. It’s incredibly satisfying so YEA!

The weekends were spent sleeping and playing so it was unproductive. And tomorrow, it’s back to work and cloning (when can I stop doing this?). I’m starting to think that perhaps, I’m destined to clone. Haha….

2008-11-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

I’m confused about what I want and who I want to be in my life. Most of the times I enjoyed the solitude but other times, I get suffocated by loneliness. I look at the milestones in my life and could only sigh. Maybe I should get out of the house more and make more friends but due to my agoraphobia, I find myself withholding back time and time again. I wonder why it’s so difficult for me to get emotionally attached to someone to call them friends. I guess I’m just afraid to be friends with people and get hurt in the end when we drift apart. That’s why I take every step with caution. My subconscious tells me to be protective of myself.

I don’t know what I want in the future either. I thought of being everything I ever dream of. I want to be a forensic scientist. I want to be a researcher. I want to be a lecturer. I want to be a mother. I also want to be someone who holds a degree in science and a degree in law. But who will I be eventually?

Confusing? I guess so. I always confuse myself.

Don’t mind me today. I’m just feeling lonely enough to allow my thoughts wander.

2008-11-16T09:22:00.001+08:00

The magic is lost.

I can no longer feel the connection between us.

2008-11-12T21:14:00.001+08:00

It’s official: WEDNESDAYs are my busiest days. I dealt with 44 samples today and I came out still very much mentally intact. I extracted the plasmids, digested them and analysed them on agarose gel. Loading the samples on the gel was easy peasy compared to the extraction. The whole morning was dedicated to the Miniprep and I almost went bonkers (but I didn’t). This makes me wonder what the big fuss was about when we were told to load our samples during MBIO/RTecB lab sessions.

I’m halfway through with my SIP and at least the cloning is getting somewhere (over the rainbow). It helps a lot when you keep your mind blank and try not to expect too much from yourself within a short span of time. Of course, helpful people help too. Speaking of helpful people, Chrishan must be the most helpful person in the lab. I have learnt loads of stuff from him because his bench is just next to mine and the stuff he taught me is comparable, if not more, to what Jerome has taught me. I’m so lucky.

Jean left last Friday and Kok Chuan is leaving in another week’s time. I hope new students come so I don’t have to be the only student left in the lab.

And also, I’ve proclaimed myself a PIXAR fan! I love their animations and I’m going to collect every single one of them. I’ve already got CARS. I watched ‘Flushed Away’ on Monday and seriously, Dreamworks need to buck up if they want to get somewhere near the standard of PIXAR. I watching all these animations lately because I find the need to remind myself to be young at heart even when working has aged me. Ok, you don’t have to agree with my philosophy.

I’m looking forward to returning to school on Saturday. I kinda miss TP after 10 weeks of its absence. I miss SPQ too but that poor girl is swamped by project work. She promised me that we will meet in December so I’ll just wait. And MELISSA! We haven’t met for the month of October! Meet soon please~ And then there’s Yiting, my dear dear friend. I’ll meet her soon too.

That’s about it. I’m meeting the peeps on Friday. =)

2008-11-05T22:39:00.002+08:00

各位，好久不见了!

Anyway, work on Monday and Tuesday was dull cos I have almost nothing to do. I spent my time playing games, reading some stories and waiting for lunch to come. The cool thing about IBN is, nobody really pay heed to what you are doing so I can play my mahjong game without worries. Okay my dull days are over from now cos the primers are here! Time to call for a celebration! =)

More cloning to be done. Cloning, cloning and more cloning. I still have like 6 recombinant plasmids to construct. Talk about time constraint. But I like the feel of racing against time, I like feeling busy.

And today, I had a nice long chat with Thilini on the way home. We reminisced about how 9 weeks have just flown by and we are already half way through our SIP. I can still remember how lost I felt at work during the first few weeks just because I couldn't adapt to the environment and the people. It looks like a joke now. Anyway, she told me there's a new JC girl at Lvl6 who told her that she was feeling nervous because it's her 2nd day. I can empathise with her cos I was in her shoes back then.

Then we also talked about further education. I think I may be going to study for a Ph.D after all; that is if my finances and brain allow. But right now I'm not going to think that far, at least let me get my degree first. Hah.

Okay, that's about. Last thing to mention is that my DS, other than my sister, is my best companion on the way too work! Yeah!

2008-10-29T23:04:00.002+08:00

I was refilling my bottle in the pantry today and something embarrassing occurred. You know there’s this bowl-like thing under the refiller to collect water that had dripped. My water bottle knocked into that and the whole thing detached from the machine, dropped and water spilled onto the carpeted pantry floor. The hem of my pants and shoes got wet. And I can’t walk away. The worst thing was, there were people who witnessed the horror.

Not one, not two, but three people.

Damn!

Anyway, I didn't complete a single thing on my To-Do List. And I know this doesn't come across as surprising. Great, the procrastination alarm is going off again.

2008-10-25T15:58:00.001+08:00

Weekends To-Do-List
- Update 2 weeks worth of entries for SIP logbook
- Update MP workbook and make a resolution not to let it snowball anymore
- Finish MP proposal due two weeks later
- Finish off my Apollo Justice game
- Do some shopping
- SLEEP Zzzz
- Eat less!

Look at this. MP is taking a big CHUNK out of my life!

2008-10-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

Lately I have been feeling so tired after I get home from work that blogging feels like a chore. It has been almost two weeks since I last blogged. Well, the attachment is fine for me so far because there are people in the lab who will always lend a helping hand when you’re in need of one.

This week was the busiest week ever; and I admit that the stress got the better of me yesterday. Jerome, being the slack and way-too-optimistic mentor, didn’t give me any; just that I have the tendency to stress myself when things don’t proceed according to my expectations. I’m getting really independent nowadays because I was given the freedom to plan everything. Through the mistakes and failed experiments, I’m learning a lot of stuff. Theoretical knowledge acquired in school is indeed entirely different from experience gained through work.

And today, Jerome signed my SIP logbook for the first time ever. Much to my horror and embarrassment, he actually read all the entries and gave comments for 4 out of the 5 reflections. I wrote politically correct crap (PCC) in it and he actually read it. Now, who’s the one who says that supervisor don’t read our entries?

On happier notes (note: it’s in plural), Jay’s album is out and I’ve already gotten my payslip! Woohoo~ It’s time for some splurging and no more holding back (^^,). Jay’s album isn’t too bad and next up is MAYDAY! Can life get any better? Okay I know I’m exaggerating.

Life can be better if the cloning works, if I can get my workbook entries up-to-date and when I can stop procrastinating about my proposal due in another 3 weeks.

But you know, you can’t get everything in life...

2008-10-06T21:34:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I dreamt that some asshole from TP decided to cancel my attachment at IBN and post me to somewhere nameless in Jurong Island (though I highly suspected that the company in my dream is ICES). I was like WTH?! What about my project at IBN?! Note this people, it is a dream and thankfully so. I'm growing attached to IBN (as in emotionally) to just leave now. Don't ask me why I have a weird dream like this but I think it was probably because I complained about having to go work on Mondays.

Anyway my cloning experiments still didn't work. It's becoming the norm and so I'm really keeping my cool about it. Oh ya... I need to hand in my synopsis this friday and yes people, I'm still procrastinating. I'll be on my toes when Thursday comes.

One last thing to mention is that the flu virus really do nasty things to your nose and your throat. So to my friends, please take care of yourself and avoid this insidious fellow. I'm going off to sleep now to get my flu and Monday Blues remedied.

2008-10-03T21:06:00.000+08:00

It's the FLU VIRUS!

2008-09-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

I just got home from my dinner affair with Melissa at Fish & Co. And so, I’ve finally settled my craving for seafood platter from and I’ll only worry about the calories when the weighing scales show it. We did a good deal of catching up too. It’s like killing two birds with one stone. Cool huh? The dinner was a super last minute kind of thing but I’m glad that we managed to pull it off.

The dinner was so great that it made up for my disastrous day at work. Both the cloning experiments didn’t work and that really sucks. I kept making mistakes and in the end it turns out that I have to do my In-Fusion mixing thrice. My gel was so poorly cast today as well and the PCR products turned out to be very weak. I threw away a plasmid which I shouldn’t have and realised it only today. My workbook is lagging behind and I have to update it soon.

This is how bad my day at work is. Thankfully, Jerome was patient enough to still crack jokes about my mistakes. He kept reassuring me that we would get the stuff cloned successfully. Well, I hope so too. I seriously hope that the cloning I did in the afternoon will succeed. If not...

On the other hand, I began socialising with those lab peeps so I guess that the only good thing at work today.

Another thing to mention is that Thilini and I were trapped at Level 4 Matrix due to dysfunctional lifts! We weren’t in the lift though. We were trapped by the rain and the lack of design concept of the Matrix building. Boo! What’s the use of being so pretty on the outside when it’s practically useless on the inside?

Okay that’s about it for today. I will return another day, stronger than ever. Muahahaha!!!

PS: Pardon me for the dramatic exit.

2008-09-25T21:41:00.000+08:00

Three days ago I was having a sore throat which made lozenges my best friend. Yesterday, my sore throat turned into a dry cough and today, I'm coughing with phlegm. So what’s next?

Anyway, despite me being sick, I obediently went to work for every single day this week (rest assured, I’ll be going tomorrow too). Except for Monday, the rest of the week was great because I was independent enough to rely on my own judgement and carry out the experiments. Tomorrow will be a good day as well.

And and and... I’ve gotten my MP title after bugging my mentor for the second time! I never knew that I’ll be doing ‘Promoters Engineering’ when ‘microRNA’ was originally my first choice. But well, I like the idea of engineering promoters enough to give up microRNA. I’ve got a weird and funny mentor and I’m still trying to get used to his rhythm but on the whole, he’s a nice person. No stress working under him. None at all.

I guess the main thing I will learn in IBN will be independence because the people there practically leave you to do your own research. There isn’t much supervision but that’s the cool thing. It just feels like the people there trust you to do the right thing and not destroy the whole lab. Oh I forgot to mention that they are nice people. You know you’re being treated like an equal at IBN.

I have a feeling that Thilini will become my best friend after SIP ends because we have lunch together everyday and go home together almost everyday. Haha... I never thought that our paths will cross this way. Talk about surprises.

Okay okay I’ll end here. I’m meeting the peeps tomorrow! Ciao!

2008-09-17T21:15:00.000+08:00

Jerome: Before you open a new Buffer PE, you need to add 200ml of ethanol. After you opened it, you must tick this box here *points to the sticker on the bottle cap*
Me: *nods head*
Jerome: *opens the cap and took a sniff* Yeah that’s right, this bottle has already been topped up with 200ml. *pass it to me to smell*
Me: *took a sniff* Yeah.
Jerome: *narrows eyes in suspicion* How do you know it’s the smell of ethanol? You drank it before?
Me: -_-“

I told you, I’ve got a crazy mentor.

2008-09-12T21:25:00.000+08:00

And so it’s finally Friday and it means no work for me tomorrow. For the past few days all I have been doing were literature reading and discussing about my project with my mentor. Initially, laboratory work was supposed to kick start today but it turns out that he was busy with Open House. He apologized to me and looked embarrassed about having to delay lab work till next Monday so I guess I won’t get pissed with him. Anyway, I was supposed to ask James, another of his student who’s leaving next Friday, to bring me around the lab and show me some gel techniques. In the end, I didn’t because he looked so busy.

At least now I know where my project is going and what it is all about. It’s like MGEN+MBIO+RTECB kind of concept and I can’t help some kind of affinity towards this field.

I’m feeling much better now after all the issues I have with adapting to my surrounding environment and people. All these issues brought me closer to God after some time of straying away from him and it makes me realize that my Mother is really important to me. I love my mum. I love God too because he’s always watching over me. And because of this, I know I can hand my worries into his hands and he will take care of them all. I’ll be happier. =)

And also, I’m not going to brood about my not-up-to-expectations results anymore. I have this really funny dream about Jason Chang last night so I guess that more or less it compensated for my RTECB results. Anyway it’s not like I did badly or what but still, LAST just pulled my GPA down *shoots LAST in the head (if it has got any)*.

But nevermind, I guess it’s part and parcel of life.

2008-09-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

I’m feeling kind of lost at work today, probably because I did nothing but read research reports and reviews, not to mention that the room was freezing. I have some trouble communicating with the cranky French guy who so happens to be my mentor. I can’t help but feel that I don’t belong there, you know, just the deluge of negative thoughts that makes you teeter on the edge of depression. Mum reckons that I’m worrying over those mundane stuff but well, I just can’t help it. I hope that my mentor is a dedicated scientist despite the fact that he smells remotely of nicotine.

Got back semester 3.1 results and it is one of my worst semesters so far. There’s only 1 distinction and it makes me think what happened to my RTecB. Complacency? Perhaps. I know I underperformed. But Mum says that it’s good enough. It’s this understanding she shows that makes me feel like crying throughout the day.

=(

I just hope that things will only get better tomorrow.

2008-09-08T21:09:00.000+08:00

当我们不能改变一些事的时候，我们能做的就只有接受和面对。

2008-09-06T13:50:00.000+08:00

I woke up on the wrong side of bed yesterday morning and my mood was in pits. I recalled that I drifted off to sleep only at 4am the previous night and my mood took a further swing downwards. The dreams were relentless and I’m tired. I knew that my worry for my SIP is taking a toll on me.

And so, I feel kind of sucky that my SIP hasn’t been finalised when my peers are all starting theirs on Monday; that’s when my final interview will be on. So on Monday, it’s either make or break. I hope I don’t screw my interview up.

After the SIP briefing yesterday, there was a class gathering at East Coast Park and the atmosphere wasn’t as boisterous as it’s supposed to be. Just compare it to our Year 1 class gathering and you will see what I mean. Time spent apart has driven a wedge between the entire class and people are only comfortable in their own cliques. It’s true when somebody said that things will never be the same again. But well, I did feel a lot better than I did after crapping with the usual people (I still need my friends after all); distracting myself with the BBQ-ing of food and being entertained by Gracecia’s brother (he must be the most quirky 10-year-old I’ve ever seen).

By 10 plus, most people have already left and the pit was even more quiet. Another handful of us left at 11 plus to catch the last bus. Luckily I caught the bus if not I would have to borrow the money from Ivan. I’m still grateful that he offered to lend me his money in case my last bus has already left. Thanks a lot manz...

Okay. I think that’s about it. I hope I can see these people soon. =)

2008-09-04T10:29:00.000+08:00

It’s already Thursday but IBN hasn’t called me for the final interview!!!

How? How? How?! *pulls my hair*

At this rate I’m turning bald!

No matter what, please please please don’t put me in school for SIP. =(

2008-08-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday marks the end of exams not only for this semester, but also for the whole of my poly life. The BPHARM paper must be the first and the last 2-hour paper which I didn’t have to rush till the very last minute. I hope I did myself justice for the paper because firstly, I think the paper was somewhat easy and secondly, I want that distinction. But I think I just sit back and slack for now before my precious days run out.

I went for the interview at IBN yesterday and the place was way cool. It’s not as big as I have imagined but the layout and renovation are very futuristic. The interviewer is friendly and the whole interview went on pretty fine. There’s another interview to go before the dust settles. Oh well, I’ll just try my best and see how. I’m just afraid that it I don’t get it here, I will get an in-house placement. I can’t imagine the horror.

Another thing to announce is that...

AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS OF WAITING, I FINALLY HAVE A NINTENDO DS LITE IN MY HANDS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Weet~ I’m having lots of fun with it now. It’s such a pretty little thing. Anyway, like what Gracecia had said, Cooking Mama is exactly like Cooking Academy. However, I feel that Cooking Academy is of more fun. The accent of MAMA in Cooking Mama is irritating. I hope the DS charges up quickly.....

I’m currently on the Phoenix Wright series. Yeah man! Professor Layton is challenging and it’s my cup of tea. And guess what’s the age of my brain? It’s 51 years old *drops dead*.

Tonight, I’m meeting my ‘Quekquek’ for dinner. I’m so excited because it has been eons since I saw her. I read her blog just now and I’m so flattered that she made me, no it’s ‘US’, the topic of the post. All right all right, I admit that I’m touched over the post. I don’t know how to further describe my feelings. 6 years of friendship isn’t there for nothing. =)

Okay I declare that I’m happy today!

2008-08-24T23:13:00.001+08:00

Beijing Olympics 2008 has officially come to an end. The Olympics is 4 years away, in London. I was watching the closing ceremony just now and I felt proud of Beijing for being such a great host to the athletes, spectators and media. This is the only occasion when you see the WHOLE world congregated, bound by a sinewy thread named ‘Olympics’. Despite the competitions, you see respect between the athletes and between spectators each rooting for their own countries.

I love it when I see the Chinese shouting ‘Jiayou’ to the Kenyan who was on his way to finish the marathon, when supporters from different countries erupted in jubilation when Yelena Isinbayewa broke her own world record for the 24th time and when Michael Phelps was crowned the greatest Olympian of all time by winning 8 gold medals. 8 gold medals; it seemed such a far-fetched goal but eventually, the goal was attained. I can’t help but feel that certain people are born to be great athletes.

I can also feel the disappointment when the pain in his ankle forced Liu Xiang to give up his dream, which is also the dream of all Chinese. This is reality shown amidst those record-breaking moments. My father and I anticipated seeing him run, so imagine our shock when he stripped the stickers off his legs and walked away. I thought the Olympics ended early.

Even though the Olympics have ended, I know that this is the Olympics people will talk about in years to come.

2008-08-14T18:17:00.001+08:00

Today, I just don't want to be me. I wish I'm somebody else.

2008-08-12T22:17:00.001+08:00

I have put my PSP out of my reach, right at the top shelf of my wardrobe, so that I can more or less reduce the distractions around me. I can’t find much motivation to study yet because everything is just all concentrated into one big mass and I do not know where to start. But first things first, I need to focus and concentrate.

I’m feeling a lot lighter (as in mentally not physically) since the past few months because it seems that during the past months I have been entertaining thoughts that were out-of-bounds. I had cleared most of my doubts during the past few days and I swear I won’t touch those thoughts again. The thoughts weren’t even true. It’s just my imagination doing all the work.

I think I’m going to suffer a really bad karma from all those gossiping sessions with Jasmine. Can you believe that we spent nearly two hours at the ITAS canteen gossiping about people around us?! Some gossips are true but some are plain crap. Japheth and Wilson joined in our little ‘discussion’ and man, they would make great gossip-mongers if they can’t find a career in the future. The three of them carried on poking fun at each other today and I wonder how they did that. Anyway, it’s the last week of school and so if they don’t do it now then when? Right?

I guess I need to repent for gossiping so much. But on the other hand, I’m just a listener most of the times so will the karma be slightly better?

Okay okay. I’m thinking too much.

And I know I’m being noisy, irritating, a little bitchy and a show-off in school lately. I hate this form of Caroline. Maybe it’s the stress that makes me like this. The zap of jealousy I experienced today puts me off too. I hate being jealous of people when I know I’m supposed to be happy for them. Revolting right? It’s time I do some self-reflection and be the kind of girl God wants me to be. Sometimes I just hate my guts. So somebody please dig my guts out of me.

Then there’s this financial problem about our house lately. I hope that our family of five doesn’t have to move to a 3-room flat just because we can’t pay our flat’s monthly instalment. This is one big contradiction: We have the money but we can’t pay just because the regulations don’t allow. It sucks to see my mum and sis racking their brains to come up with a solution and I’m helpless to do anything. Probably things will look up if I can work full-time.

On a lighter note, MY LAST HANDS-ON PRACTICAL TEST IS OVER! It went okay because the Yee Mon’s unresponsiveness was balanced by another invigilator’s encouragements. The only bad thing was the submandibular blood collection. The blood just flowed out like nobody’s business and the mouse was so weak after that. I hope I didn’t kill the mouse if it wasn’t already euthanized. LAST practical never fails to make me feel guilty.

All right... that’s about it. It’s time to really focus and focus for the oncoming exam. It’s the last stretch so I shan’t lose my stamina!

Concentrate Caroline concentrate!

Sometimes I pretend that nothing fazes me while the truth is that, like a coward, I am simply avoiding what I am afraid of.

I am an Analytical Thinker

2008-08-09T23:16:00.001+08:00

2008-08-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

My imagination, my thoughts are running out of control again. And when this happens, a part of me will ache because I would then realise the difference between my imagination and the world’s reality. Stuff which I had thought about previously never did come true. Yet, I hope that this time will be an exception. God bless me and get rid of all those envy, or just make me stop thinking.

Anyway, I thought I jeopardized a friendship a few days back by trusting the wrong person. I hope what I’ve done or said doesn’t change the friendship even though I’ve a strong feeling that it has changed. Next time, I won’t do that again.

I was kind of disappointed when Melissa says that she will only be free after her SIP ends mid-October. She’s working 7 days a week! Yeah, I think she’s a superwoman. I just realised the last time we met was way back in January and that’s like so long ago. I really need to learn how to maintain my friendships well.

Exams are looming right ahead and I’m still in denial. RTecB and BPHARM exams don’t scare me as much as LAST term-test. Oh right, I just reminded myself that LAST practical test is on Monday. The sheer thought of it is making my stomach churn.

All right exams will end in another 2 weeks and after that, I will be getting my Nintendo DS lite! Please people, don’t stop me from getting one because that’s the only anticipation in my life now. After exams, I will contact all my friends and go out with them before SIP starts. It’s like I want to leave in peace for my SIP (mind you, it’s for 20 weeks).

On an ‘emo’ note, I was just wondering if all the bad things happen because I didn’t pray to God hard enough. I should return to church soon and start reading my bible frequently. God is always there but I’m not. I know He’s there waiting for me to make Him a part of my everyday life and not just turn to Him when I’m in need. Sometimes, I feel so guilty for His unconditional love which I know I don’t deserve. I will start from reading the bible more frequently...

Things are getting so difficult nowadays but I’ve come this far by His grace and I know I will walk on thru’ Him who gives me strength.

Thank you LORD, for everything good you’ve done in my life.

2008-08-05T16:09:00.002+08:00

This questionaire works this way:

1)Put your music player on shuffle mode.
2)Press forward to the next song when answering each question.
3)Write down the name of the song that coincides with the question you're answering.
4)Add a comment for the song.

Here it goes:

How are you feeling today?
我爱的人 - 林宥嘉
I'm feeling like I'd loved and lost somebody.

Will you get far in life?
静静的 - 哈林
Shh... It’s a secret.

How do your friends see you?
让- 杨宗纬
I always give way to my friends... as if. Haha.

Will you get married?
亲亲 - 梁静茹
Yeah, I’ll kiss when I get married.

What is the story of your life?
幸福的风 – 杨宗纬
Yeah... this song will be the story of my life when I find a guy who likes me because of my perfection but loves me because of my imperfections.

What was secondary school like?
外婆 - 周杰伦
My granny ironed my secondary school uniform for me....

How can you get ahead in life?
離開地球表面 – 五月天 & 陳綺貞;
Perhaps in another century or so, travelling into space will be permitted and I can get ahead in life by entering space. I think I will be alive even after 100 years.

What is the best thing of your friends?
暖暖 – 梁静茹
Yes, they keep me warm sometimes with those little gossips and encouragement

What’s in store for this weekend?
那首歌 - 林宥嘉
What song?!

Describe your grandparents.
倔強 - 五月天
Well, they can be very stubborn, especially when they are quarrelling with each other.

How’s your life going?
Last order - 陈奕迅
It’s going into chaos soon, with the SIP coming and me knowing nothing about what is expected.

What song will they play at your funeral?
殘酷月光 - 林宥嘉
This song is too sad. I bet those who attend my funeral will cry; but those couldn’t wait for me to go will probably cheer.

How does the world see you?
如果 - 张栋梁
Let’s talk about this only if the world can see me. I am invisible *looks through my invisible hand*.

Will you have a happy life?
甜甜的 – 周杰伦
I’m going to have a sweet life!

Do people secretly lust after you?
千里之外 – 周杰伦
Okay, those people are a thousand miles away, probably in Antarctica.

How can you make yourself happy?
Xing xing zhi huo - S.H.E
Set the stars on fire. Nah. I’m just kidding. This song talks about one’s dream so I guess I’ll be happy if I can pursue my dream whole-heartedly.

What should you do with your life?
我不懂 - 阿沁
Self-explanatory.

Will you ever have children?
你的背包 - 陈奕迅
Eww... I don’t want to carry my children’s school bags for them! I’ll make them carry it themselves!

What song would you strip to?
懸崖-林宥嘉
I’ll strip at the edge of a cliff and then jump down after that.

What song will be played at your wedding?
私奔到月球 – 五月天
Sweet! I don’t mind this song being played!

End.

Interesting!

2008-08-02T10:09:00.000+08:00

Woah! It’s the weekends again and I am excited!

Hold on a minute; I shouldn’t be excited. There are a dozen of things on my to-do list; term tests are coming soon (which so conveniently fell on the study week); exams follow right after the term tests and SIP starts approximately 10 days after my exams. It’s time to stop procrastinating and get things done.

Speaking about SIP, I think I’m going to be posted to IBN (Institute of Bioengineering and Nanotechnology) and it’s not exactly what I wanted in the first place. When Jason passed me the IBN form to fill in, I wonder where God is going to direct me and what are the plans He’s leading me to. Because a few months back when IBN was recruiting interns, I didn’t submit the forms because I wasn’t interested. Now it has come back to me. Is it supposed to be implying something?

Well, I guess the interest will be nurtured and I hope the people I’m posted together with are nice people. I also hope that there’s pay or daily allowance, whatever you want to call it.
I pray that my usual friends will get attached to a good company too (take note: this sentence is equivocal).

Anyway, I realised that I like talking to Jasmine because she reminds me of my secondary school days with Melissa. Okay this is a bit random.

All right humans, be happy that you all see this post because it means that I’m still alive. I was almost drowned by Aili’s water on Wednesday this week.

How much superficiality exists?

2008-07-29T18:37:00.000+08:00

CSAS interview is over and I’m feeling light now. I admit that I didn’t do myself much justice for the interview but there’s no point harping over it. I just hope that this interview won’t jeopardise my chances of getting an A considering the fact that I did rather well for the written components of the subject.

My feet really suffered today because I’ve got blisters on both of my smallest toes. Damn painful. Also, I knocked my left foot against the corner of my house’s partition and it bled a tiny weeny bit. It’s the kind of pain that makes you want to curse and scold all the bad words under the sun.

Anyway DDCT quiz was more than all right and I think I did pretty well on the 30 marks paper. Hah.

And so, Mum treated me to Swensens and Din Tai Fung just now. Yes, it’s two places in one go. My stomach has never felt so contented since the past few weeks.

Okay, I need to revise BPHARM now. Ciao.

Just when I thought I can give it up for good, your presence proves me wrong. I know I shouldn’t entertain those ‘could-have-been’s between us again.

2008-07-29T08:35:00.000+08:00

I hear my heart thumping away.

I am NERVOUS.

2008-07-26T23:11:00.000+08:00

Nintendo DS lite has been on my mind since a few weeks ago and I couldn’t get rid of the thought. I’m such a Tech glutton; I already have a PSP but now I want the DS. True, PSP has got great graphics that the DS can’t even compare. However, DS got a whole lot more quality games than PSP does.

I want the DS but if I get one now. I probably have to drink plain water for lunch for a month or more. And then I can’t photocopy notes in school because I won’t be able to pay for them. I can’t take the bus either because I won’t be able to top-up my EZ-link card. So I pondered over it and decided that the DS can wait.

So for the time being, I will TRY to be contented with my PSP. To make me feel that I couldn’t do without my PSP, I continued with my Jeanne D’arc game. It has been left on hold ever since school reopened in April. It’s still a great game; highly recommended for all avid Strategic-RPG players. Till now, I still don’t understand what’s so great about Crisis Core apart from those breathlessly pretty characters. I’m halfway through the game and I found not much satisfaction. I think I got where I was due to mindless dosing of elixirs, blind slashing and a whole lot of luck. Since then, the game has been put on hold.

This afternoon I realised that I need new games in my PSP so I ordered 11 games from an online merchant at a really cheap price. Downloading is taking too much of my hard disk and time. I hope the games I’ve picked are good. I’d spent hours trying to perfect the game list and I’d even referred to games review site. Now, I’ll just wait for the DVD to arrive at my doorsteps.

Today is attributed to slacking. No worries, I will touch on my notes tomorrow. I hope I will go jogging tomorrow but the idea of jogging worries me. I’m worried that halfway through, I will get bronchospasms and collapse on the tracks. Imagine me unconscious on the streets when the rain decides to fall and no one sees me because the rain is so heavy that it blurs everything.

What a nightmare it would be.

2008-07-22T16:39:00.001+08:00

I’m so sleepy! But I can’t afford to take a nap because there’s two quizzes lined up for tomorrow, heart of greed at night and I have to go back school at 5.15pm later for the GIG meeting! There’s BPHARM quiz (mind you, it’s a 50 marks paper) and RTecB quiz tomorrow and I haven’t start on the latter. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to not get an A once in a while so I didn’t really study. Understand the notes, YES. Memorise it, NO.

I keep getting distracted recently and I don’t know why. It may be the laptop, Joseph or Yoga’s music. I think it’s a mixture of everything, including Jasmine’s tendency to call me when I had settled myself down to study. So she called last night to ask me about BPHARM and I don’t know how but we digressed and discussed about Yee Mon. I think it’s a blessing that my house cordless phone ran out of battery so we can’t chat further haha...

And speaking about Yoga’s music, his CD has been on the repeat mode on the player for the past few days. I bought his CD on the second day of its release, listened to it a little, and forgot about it for a while. It was his concert last Thursday that got me listening again. Truth be told, I was disappointed when I first listened to his music but I guessed his music is the type that worms into your heart bit by bit. There’s something new to be discovered each time you listened. I liked the way his songs don’t conform to fit the market. What a quality CD!

So the point is, BUY his CD. Don’t DOWNLOAD!

Anyway, quite a number of events took place since the last time I blogged. Oh ya, I caught ‘The Dark Knight’ on Friday evening. Christian Bale was incredible as Batman/Bruce Wayne; Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman was effortlessly remarkable; Maggie Gyllenhal is such a great leap from Katie Holmes’ portrayal of Rachel; Aaron Eckhart didn’t disappoint. However, the one that steals the entire show was Heath Ledger. The Joker is so sinister that every time he appears, he sends chills down my spine (yes, I’m often a scaredy cat when I’m watching movies). His death is indeed a pity. The next person who’s going to play this role has got massive shoes to fill. Heath Ledger has made Jack Nicholson’s Joker look like childplay.

I went for my second interview practice yesterday and I improved! Ms Chew seriously is a great teacher; she’s one of those few teachers that can inspire her students to be like her. I agree with most of the principles she had shared yesterday. People who got her as their CP are one lucky bunch.

Okay now, I need to go if not I’ll be late for the meeting. I really don’t feel like going but no choice, Mr Lim has given me the seal points and I need to do something in return. Bye Bye.

2008-07-15T18:25:00.001+08:00

I was a tangle of jittery nerves when I was on my way to the CSAS mock job interview. I became a little better when I was waiting outside the room because there were people to talk to me and I didn’t have time to let my thoughts run wild. I went inside, the teacher asked questions and I answered in my usual straightforward manner and apparently, you can’t be straightforward in an interview. You must focus on all your positive attributes and I didn’t do that. After that, I asked a question which she said was bad. And so, the score she gave me was really low.

And so this is what I have to do before the real thing comes:

1) Practise more so that my spoken language is as good as my written.
2) Focus on my strengths and not my weaknesses. Nothing in between either.
3) Eliminate all evidence of Singaporean English in my sentences.
4) Stop getting distracted by heads at the window.
5) Smile.

I hope I’ll do much better on the actual interview. I’m not expecting too much but I must appear confident. Practice, practice and more practice.

Anyway, my mood wasn’t that good these few days because I was trying to come to terms with the decisions I’ve made, which is to let go of things which I thought were real. I have finally convinced myself that thinking of certain people too much is bad for my mental health, and hence I’m not going to entertain those thoughts again. However, sad to say, my method of convincing myself includes a whole list of my negative traits.

From here on, I’m going to focus on the right things. No looking back.

Focusing on the right things made my mood lighter for I was no longer trying to decipher what is going to happen in the future. When it comes, it comes. Often, seeking something too hard makes that thing even more elusive.

Dinner with SPQ yesterday helps in making me a happier person too. I thought I felt some parts of me that remain unchanged since secondary school days. It was nostalgic and I liked it as it shows that I was changed by neither time nor poly. We talked about quite a number of stuff and briefly pondered over why it is so difficult to come upon true love. And for 4 hours, we tried to fill the gap of our absence in each others’ life with mindless ramblings, experiences etc. Of course the time wasn’t sufficient but it was time to say goodbye.

Another thing that lifted my spirits slightly was the MSN conversation with my dear Yiting. It was just a simple chat, nothing too philosophical or whatsoever, but it was good enough because I just wanted to pour out the events of my day to someone who will listen. She says she will probably drop by my house this Saturday to see Joseph.

Oh yeah, Joseph is already 7kg. And I debated about this shocking figure with myself that he was so heavy because he had just ate his breakfast. I know I’m kidding myself but what’s wrong about being in denial every once in a while?

Suddenly, I wish I can be Joseph for a day because dogs don’t judge dogs. Only humans do. If I’m Joseph, I think I will be happy.

2008-07-13T00:06:00.002+08:00

‘你很有个性，有个性的人往往最容易被误解。’

-诸葛亮 to 孙尚香

2008-07-10T23:07:00.001+08:00

I reckoned that my day in school was destroyed by LAST tutorial. I could barely comprehend those directional terms used on animal’s anatomy. Somebody please remind Yee Mon that we, by default, are biomolecular science students and this is the first time we are coming in contact with those befuddling animal terminologies. He shouldn’t be pinning the expectations he have on his vet students on us. And well, I got back the term test paper and the results weren’t up to my expectations. That kind of sucks too.

It’s time to take LAST seriously and stop skipping the lectures. Okay, I will continue attending the lectures when another teacher takes over. I can hardly tolerate Yee Mon’s accent even though I tried really hard to.

Quizzes are coming in the week after next. That’s 4 quizzes spanned across 3 days. I need to get back on track soon and start revising. It’s the last stretch of serious mugging before SIP begins in September. I’m anticipating and dreading SIP at the same time.

And for the whole day today, I didn’t have much appetite and the culprit probably is the dinner yesterday where I ate non-stop. The whole thing was great but there’s an uneasiness that bugged me since yesterday morning. It’s my problem and I know. But how should I overcome this problem? I feel bad that everything has to be kept ‘secret’ because of my intolerance.

Okay I’m going off to watch ‘Heart of Greed’. Ciao.

Giving certain things up is getting increasingly difficult. Trying not to expect anything is even worse.

2008-07-08T19:33:00.001+08:00

Time is passing so fast. The next day comes when I had barely reflected on what was accomplished on the previous day. It’s already Tuesday today and Wednesday is arriving in another four and a half hours. That’s half of another week gone.

And in three weeks’ time, CSAS formal interview will arrive and at that time, I would have to wear skirt. Oh the horror... And within this short span of time, I have to improve my personality. I need to smile more, look more enthusiastic, be friendlier etc. It would be much easier just to change the entire set of my genes.

I happened to have a chat with Amallina on the way home today and I think first impression really do matter. She told me that when she first saw me, she did not dare to talk to me because I’d looked like a serious ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ kind of person. Well, I couldn’t deny what she says but those who really know me will know the jokes I’m capable of cracking. This brings me back to a conversation I had with Paul, my CP, a long time ago. And yeah, it was also about his first impression of me too.

So, on the day of the interview skills test, I will be friendly, enthusiastic and smiling throughout the fifteen minutes. After that, I guess I will be back to being the ‘grumpy’ me (my comfort zone).

I am not shy; it just takes a long time for me to warm up.
I am not that serious; it’s just that most of the time I prefer to work than to talk.
I am not unfriendly; it’s just my way of interacting.
I am not anti-social; it’s just that I don’t try hanging around with people I can’t tolerate.
I am not hard-to-please; it’s just that I have my own principles that can’t be violated.
I am often misunderstood and I know.

So, I just wanna give those who understood and accepted me a big ‘THANK YOU’.

2008-07-06T23:25:00.002+08:00

I have already draft out my future inside my head, specifically my career. Here it goes. After graduating from Temasek Polytechnic, I would go on to pursue a BSc; whether local or overseas, that remains to be seen. However, my instincts tell me that it will be NTU that I'm going because the chances of any company offering me an overseas scholarship is as slim as a needle (heck, even ASTAR only offers A levels and IB students their scholarship). After completing my degree, I would continue on to get a MSc, perhaps after working for 2 years and MSc is where I'm going to stop. No PhD for me. When I'm armed with MSc, I will be a researcher for the next couple of years to gain experience before I become a Lecturer in a Polytechnic.

I think that's it. That's the furthest future situation which I can see myself in. But I know the path I'm going to take isn't going to be a clear-cut one. Right now, I'm not going to think much about it.

Just leave it to Him.=)

2008-06-30T22:15:00.003+08:00

So, I got through the worst-ever LAST practical today by steeling my heart against the anesthetized rat. I was much braver than what I thought I could be. This time round, the guys in the group didn’t disappoint; they were so much braver than usual and it REALLY helps a lot.

However, being brave didn’t stop me from wincing when I inserted the pipette under the rat’s eyeball, nor did it lessen my struggle when the rat lay on its side waiting for Jomer to euthanize it. Twenty-four hours ago, the rats were still alive, kept in the dark of what 30th June held for them. Now, the other rats that are still in the Animal Holding Unit are going to wonder where the rest of their friends went.

I hope that the dead rats’ souls are happy with where they are now.

And I just want to say that I’m sorry.

I’m going to treat Joseph better from today onwards as some form of compensation to the rats. Well, there’s a link since Joseph and the rats are both animals. Hahahaha...

Before I sleep *yawns widely*, I present to you a picture of JOSEPH!

2008-06-27T08:59:00.002+08:00

Perhaps if I'm a little more ordinary, I would be able to fit better into the crowd.

And, I think I should stop entertaining all the possibilities. It's leading my life into destruction.

This time, I won't look back.

This girl is piecing her life back together.

2008-06-25T19:21:00.003+08:00

I think I know why my mood took a downward swing during the later half of the day. It must be the negative emotions that were triggered at the sight of certain people and too much space for me to fall into a brooding mood. I thought I could embrace change easily but now I realise how badly my heart always aches when things around me begun to take a gradual change.

I am going through so much inner struggle these days that my nights are sleepless.

When the time comes to kill the rat, will I be able to do it?

Why can't I stop thinking of the 'could have beens' despite all the tries I've made to convince myself?

Why can't I help but think that she's trying to drive a wedge between us?

Should I continue holding onto something that is intended for me to let go?

How come the tears don't flow when I want to cry?

Why can't people grant my wish of being low profile?

Why hasn't God answer my prayers?

And the list goes on...

My term test results are good yet I'm not even sure if that's a good thing. I'm feeling lonely and tired. I think I need a nice long sleep. I hope I can find my courage in my dreamland so that I can face reality.

In this busy world laced with materialism, change is the only constant. Nobody is going to slow down their pace for you. Which makes me think, will I slow down my life for someone else?

2008-06-16T20:34:00.002+08:00

I don't want to be immuned with doing all those injections on the animals. I am afraid of the person I will become if I ever get used to all those poking procedures.

"'J' said that one of the monkeys moved while he was administering the TB test and that he stuck the needle all the way through the monkey's eyeball. 'J' said that he was told by 'JM,' one of the primate techs, that this was OK and that it 'happens all the time.'"

I don't want to turn into people like this.

Damn LAST. Damn DDCT.

Just because we are humans, it doesn't mean that we are any better.

2008-06-11T19:12:00.002+08:00

These days, I really really hate my stomach for constantly being on the hungry mode. I would have LIKE being always hungry if I'm those type of people who can eat 24/7 and not gain weight at all. But no, I get fat even when I'm just thinking of food. Life is so ridiculously unfair. Hmph.

I should really pull my arse (together with Joseph because he's also overweight) out of this house and start exercising. You know, just do some running etc. Then perhaps I will be healthier and I won't get hypertension. I'm getting paranoid about contracting hypertension ever since Chua Kim Suan mentioned about how you won't get completely cured after you get diagnosed with hypertension.

And so, Sis got her Compaq laptop on monday. But up till now, I'm really the one who has been using it to configure her stuff for her. I think my sis is a computer dummy. She don't even know what a router is. Okay okay, I admit it, I don't know what a router is either before sunday. The COMPAQ is rather nice and I think it will be as sturdy as our house's 4 year plus PC. Mum says that I can probably get a laptop too in July.

All right, this termbreak has assignments and the procrastinator alarm is going off again. Ahh... this is no good. Termbreak makes me lazy but I still have to go for my group meeting tomorrow. WHAT A SPOILER.

Anyway, people are deciding to skip the next LAST lab session where we have to kill the rats. I feel like skipping too but the thing is, I won't. I'll be a brave girl with God's strength. Avoiding is a big no-no. And, I don't see the point of giving up my post-lab when my pratical test is very much a goner.

Okay that's it. Au revoir.

2008-06-07T09:42:00.003+08:00

I browsed through the archives of Mo's blog,you know, those times when we were still actively blogging. Those posts traced a year back.

Yes, that's how many things a year can change.

Things will never be the same again. I just regret not cherishing those times enough.

And I can't help but feel a major part of this change is because of ME.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me.

Oh well... no use crying over spilled milk. Time to move on.

'我跟谁变得亲密谁逐渐离我远去...'

2008-05-26T10:15:00.002+08:00

You know, when I was surfing the net (and compiling DDCT slides) yesterday, I came upon a personality test. Not just any personality test but a totally detailed one. It has got something to do with the INTP thing I have taken earlier.

And you know how my personality was analysed?

They said that 70-80% of my life takes place in my head! They even went further to say that it's unlikely for me to have a large social circle. They hit the nail right on its head. So it has been my personality all along.

And the thing is... Only 1% of females in the world is INTPs. That's very very little.

Okay this post is random. Probably because I'm getting nervous about LAST lab at 12 again.

I hope the sadistic guy is absent today. Please let him be.

2008-05-23T21:04:00.003+08:00

Somedays I wish he can go school on my behalf while I snooze away in his place.

A fat hope can never get fatter than this...

-*-
Tell me why I'm feeling this way...

2008-05-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

A few but substantial things are sitting on my to-do list of which is mentally written. I need to study for the 2 quizzes to be held next Thursday, I have to do my DDCT report, and oh I see my LAST assignment waving frantically at me. And what about my promise to finish the GiG logo by the end of this weekend?

What I've accomplished is MINIMAL. Nothing is completely done yet, just the little pieces here and there. I tried to sort things out by their order of priority, do it in that order, only to find myself forgetting some other more important deadlines. Don't try to understand what I am trying to say because I don't even know what I am talking about anymore.

Whew! I got to stay cool... stay cool... stay cool...

NOTHING WILL BE TOO TOUGH FOR ME TO OVERCOME.

At least nothing compared to the 7.9 earthquake that seized Sichuan province by surprise.

Can you imagine it? No I can't.

One of the cities in Sichuan has walked into history, with inumerable bodies crushed under piles and piles of debris, never having a proper grave. Those survivors walked on through those slabs of cement fervently praying that their families are alive. I can almost feel their faith diminishing with each passing second. The amputation of limbs has become so insignificant in face of death.

You can see how much people care for people in this disaster:

The teacher who died trying to shield his four students from the impact of the quake. The four students survived. The wife heard that there is such a selfless teacher but she didn't know that it was her husband until she saw his corpse.

The parents who died holding their 3 year old daughter tight in the one instant when the earth shook with such tremor. The daughter survived under the bodies of her parents.

The rescue person who cried and pleaded his counterparts just to let him save one more child before they escape from the second round of the quake. They didn't let him. Imagine the helplessness he must have felt.

These are just a minority of the examples. Look through the newspapers for more heartwrenching and touching stories.

Thousands of people lost their lives. Even more lost their homes. The earthquake has orphaned children and destroyed the ambitions of other children who didn't get out alive.

I hope those who survived will carrying on living no matter how hard it might be. They have another life waiting for them, a smooth-sailing one that should be. The trauma sustained from this earthquake can last them for a lifetime. They don't need any more wounds to add to their scars.

If you still think life is treating you bad, then think again.

Living is still great.

2008-05-13T13:57:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, people like to say things they don't understand. I've learnt not to take those words seriously, especially if they were said by people I don't give a damn about. Don't it occur to them that it helps more to leave us alone to deal with whatever life has thrown at my family? They don't know a single shit and they pretend like they do when they don't even I work on the weekends to provide for MYSELF.

Shoo! Don't come disrupting our lives.

Sometimes, I just wish that my father can be a better man. But well, he's my father after all.

2008-05-12T18:07:00.002+08:00

LAST lab was horrible. The atmosphere was thick with guilt. The mouse I've got was good and it was me that's bad. The mental stress sat heavy. I would rather get poked by the needle for a few more times than to be so inept at lessening the pain I'd inflicted on the mouse. More than once, the idea of forfeiting the practical test surfaced.

The sadistic guy didn't help either. I hate him so.

I am more affected than I appeared.

2008-05-06T15:54:00.002+08:00

Your Personality Type

Introvert/Intuitive/Thinking/Perceiving

You need your time to yourself. Indeed, you need this time so much that some may see you as being more than somewhat private, but aloof and unapproachable. You are iconoclastic, nonconformist by nature and capable of brilliant, original thought. Your analytical skills make you a natural problem solver. You are able to ferret out the contradictions and flaws in logic in almost anyone's thinking--including your own. You are independent, inquiring, and insightful.

In relationships you are loyal to those you care for, but you can become so absorbed in your work and inner world that you neglect them. You may show your feelings for others in ways that are too subtle for them to recognize. To be at your best you need to be insulated from conflict. Your appearance or that of others doesn't cause you much concern. You are non-materialistic. You can be difficult to approach at first, but are usually very accepting of people and their idiosyncrasies once you know them. You are a conceptual thinker, so it is only natural that a good conversation to you revolves around conceptual things and is devoid of chitchat. Many of the activities you love may exclude those around you--they are single person or two person pursuits. You will pursue knowledge throughout your life.

http://www.goddessflight.com/per/passess.htm

2008-05-05T21:25:00.002+08:00

Weet~

My Sis is back from her 3D2N Hongkong trip! Joseph is so HAPPY! My sis bought like a dozen of things for him~ I've got presents too~ Haha... what a happy night at home!

The only thing that stands in the way of making the entire day perfect is the fact that I haven't mastered how to restrain a mouse properly.

2008-05-03T22:36:00.003+08:00

Friends. School. Work. Family. Ex-friends. God. Capability. Ability. Him. Questions. GIG.

Brooding too much is detrimental.

But I'm still addicted.

I hope giving up some of those mentioned helps.

God gave you the directions in your life; but He didn't ask you to forget your friends.

2008-05-02T09:08:00.003+08:00

All of a sudden, I feel like giving up a lot of things. I feel like giving up working on the weekends. I feel like quitting GIG because of the difference of values between me and the teacher. I feel like giving up these two because I'm afraid of compromising my academics. It's like walking on thin ice; one minor flaw and my GPA will drop. You see the expectations I'm trying to live up to?

School for this week is okay, littered by forgetfulness on Tuesday and laxed by hours of break on Wednesday. The lectures are making me think what to major in when I enter university, if I ever get to choose. After so long, I think I still like stuff that's related to DNA (e.g. RTecB over BPHARM).

This makes me ponder to what happened to those aunties at Ultra Supply. A change of faces, speed and work attitude at the shop. I want the old aunties back! Sis reckoned that we should write a letter of complaint to whoever is in-charge after I complained about the new workers. They took THIS long to print and guess what's the ridiculous thing? We have to staple the papers on our own! Ha ha ha.

Aunty, Aunties, please come back.

Oh ya, I almost forgot I have to attend a talk tomorrow morning at Buona Vista. Spoiler. And Sis is going to Hongkong tomorrow! Have a safe trip!

2008-04-24T17:22:00.002+08:00

Still the Solitary Me

I've been feeling sleepy the whole day. Sleepy and uneasy. Uneasy because of the 2 hours spent surrounded by over-enthusiastic people in a space as confined as the lecture theatre. I drifted between my blanks of memories while my subconciousness took notes of whatever the lecturer was saying. I observed my course mates and I pondered aimlessly on several questions. I conjured a list of names in my mind, striking off those whom I'd decided to dislike. Occasionally, I would 'draw' a bracket beside their names and put in an annoying trait of theirs, which is often (assholes). I thought of all these just to escape issues which I don't want to tackle at the moment.

I'm always agoraphobic during the first few weeks of school and I think its because I get too used to solitude during my holidays. I live in my own world if I can and it becomes a chore if I'm forced to play a part the lives of others. I envy people who makes friends easily, people who can pour out their secrets after just a few weeks after getting acquainted.

I'm envious because I can't.

I'm literally a walking permafrost and it takes more than years to dig a secret out of me. Melissa gave me an idea of what animal I am. I am a porcupine. Most of the times, I don't intend to prick but people still get hurt if they get too close to me. The spikes are there naturally.

I wish I wasn't so unapproachable. I wish I am more adept communicating with humans. I wish I can hold on to my friends forever.

I know I'm just wishing.

2008-04-22T21:16:00.003+08:00

Wounded Yet Again

Things are changing too fast for my comprehension. Just a day, and I had one new scar added to my collection. Still bleeding. Still Hurting. How could one word have such an impact on me? No matter how nonchalant I appear, I know I'm not going to be okay, at least for the time being. Nothing hurts more than this. Time lost to time. It may be my personality. But most of the time, I don't like to compromise because I'm scared of losing myself.

The earth continues to rotate, and nobody is going to stop for you.

2008-04-14T18:38:00.003+08:00

Recently...

Work has sucked me of my time to blog. But at the same time it gave me money to spend. So what do I feel about work? It's a love-hate relationship.

I will continue to work on the weekends and seriously, I hope I can juggle well between school and work. I'm kind of flattered and touched when I realized I will be missed by some BHG staff when I no longer work on Mondays to Fridays. I don't even think they know my name. LOL~ But I guess it's fine. In some situations, names aren't important.

As mentioned earlier, school's starting again. Woah, I'm in Year 3 already. I'm looking forward to what waits to be unraveled. I look forward to wearing formal too!

I haven't got much expectations for my final semester (you won't see me staying in school for SIP) but I just hope that it will be peaceful. I'm a very very very very peace-oriented person. No irritating people please... I've had enough of them last semester.

A headache that comes along with the reopening of school is always my lack of clothes. My wardrobe has been reduced due to the depreciation of my property. Not that it's full to start with. And so, I've been diligently hunting for clothes for the new semester. I still like BLACK and LARGE-PRINT tees. Oh no, I like black too much. Hate pink.

I'd bought two shirts, yes both black, which I loved and liked. I loved the graphic tee I got from a bugis store and I like the Nobita (is that the name of the boy from Doraemon) tee. Mum doesn't know I bought the shirts yet but I doubt she will mind.

And now it's time to get my jeans.

That day Yiting dropped by bugis and she asked me, "Why are you still wearing baggy pants for goodness sake?" Then I know, it really is time to get a few pair of new jeans. Maybe I should get skirts too since the only skirts I have are those from Dunman. I'm so happy now cos I'd gotten my pay and I can satisfy my urge to splurge! Woo~

Should I get the books from kinokuniya or should I not? What a tough decision~

Okay. That's about it. I will update regularly when time permits me to. Au revoir.

Majority of things is minor in face of death.

2008-04-01T10:34:00.002+08:00

Mario OH Mario!

Sheesh... This may sound really weird but I want a Bossini SUPER MARIO tee. This is crazy. But I'm getting it.

This is no April Fool's joke of mine.

$50.71

2008-03-28T09:43:00.004+08:00

$50.71

My heart stopped and then plunged the moment I saw my account balance when I withdrew money yesterday.

Tell me, how do I survive on this meagre sum of money till April? Especially when the MRT fare to and from Bugis is $2.78 and when the food fare never dangle below $4? That's like an hour plus I have to stand to afford these daily expenditures.

PAYDAY, please come soon~

Being a promoter humbles oneself. I guess that's what working experience is all about. I can't believe that I have worked only 8 days. It seems eons away since I'd started working. This job had reaffirmed my decision to continue on the science path. I would rather entertain boxes of pipette tips than strange spectrums of customers.

It takes more that mere determination to bear with the immensely boring hours and the ache that drills into your feet. It's okay to do this job temporarily or part time, but never fine to take it up as your career. I don't enjoy this job but I don't hate it either.

Besides, it's rather fun to see how those BHG staff interact.

Really, it's important to study.

Aha.

Another realization made during work.

2008-03-13T15:07:00.003+08:00

Friends Forever

Yesterday afternoon, Yiting came over to my house to visit Joseph, who has been neutered last friday. I was so surprised that Joseph remembered her! His 'woofs' became jubilant jumping when Yiting neared our doorstep. The only bad thing was that, he can be over-passionate when welcoming people he know.

The both of us talked for most of the time when she was at my place. It was easy talking to her, about everything, including the affairs of the heart.

In the evening, we set off for Tampines Mall on an excuse of having to buy a gift for my 'friend' and I need her to help me choose; but in my mind, the gift was essentially meant for her. When I finally gave her the necklace she had chosen, she was very surprised! What a success! It was very difficult trying to make her believe that the gift was for my 'friend' and I don't think I will attempt this kind of thing ever again.

We ate Fish & Co. for dinner and it took us nearly 2 hours to finish up. Of course, there were lots of girl's talk over dinner. The other customers sitting around us had changed twice and we still hadn't left. The only issue I'd was the inefficiency of those waiters and waiteress.

Now I finally understand why God let me meet Yiting and why he didn't answer my prayers which had recently revovled around Kinokuniya. Because of Yiting, I have a temporary job as a promoter at Bugis BHG. The pay isn't much but it's more than what I can ever ask for.

I am really thankful that this friendship isn't turning rusty.

Because I know the reason why I choose my friends so carefully is because I want friends that can last me for a lifetime and not for a season. And she's one of those friends.

Of course, different people may have different definitions of 'friends'.

Results Release

2008-03-12T13:38:00.001+08:00

The Results Are Out

There's a little imperfection.

But it's enough to keep me contented for the next few weeks.

=)

Letting Go. Moving On.

2008-03-11T20:30:00.003+08:00

Letting Go. Moving On.

I admit it wasn't easy, emotional-wise, changing to a new blog, new address. I'd been wanting to do this for since months and months ago but the sentimental part of me was reluctant to. It wasn't easy to let go of a blog where, for nearly three years, you'd poured your ups and downs into. But today, I knew it was time to seal those memories and move forward.

One of the main reasons I'd decided to move the address is the cheesiness of my previous blog URL. The previous URL was entered on impulse and up till now, I can't understand why I'd thought that the URL was cool. I was fine with the 'enilorac-opt' for a long while, until a few months back, I desired a more sophisicated URL. And now, my wish is fulfiled.

The second reason is because I wanted to start a new blog in a new way, my way. The previous blog was rather childish in terms of expression and I thought that it was time to start afresh if I want to improve my english. At the same time, I hope I can refine my style of blogging with more photos and certainly more depth.

The third minor reason is, since it was time to change a blogskin, I might as well change everything. I wanted something darker because I'd gotten sick with light colours.

The above three reasons made me spend a good three hours on creating this new baby of mine, with Joseph snoozing right behind me for a major part of the time. My woman instincts tell me that I'll be sticking to this blog for more than three years.

This is a fresh beginning.

And it is time to move forward.